On a personal note for this one… 

Have you ever wondered if you have real friends?

I often do. 

Some people I’m friends with seem to only hang out with me because I have something to offer them. A ride, food, or tutoring at school. They don’t call just to say hi, they don’t come over ever unless I have something they want. 

The others that I would like to call friend seem to stay at a distance from me. I don’t know why really. Maybe it’s that I have an overbearing demeanor that is outspoken to a fault, or maybe it’s because I’m older by quite a bit than most of them and so put them off that way by being the perceived “adult” amongst them. 

Odd, but sometimes I feel closer to the people I talk to online than the ones I talk to in person on a daily basis. Even still, there seems to be something missing from these interactions that causes me concern. 

If I examine the emotions that go with this too closely I probably won’t like what I see. Nor will I enjoy it if I look too closely at what the answer really is of why people stay so far away from me all the time. 

Now I’m not the kind of person to go all emo on everyone all the time. In fact, normally I’m a fun-loving, laughing, light up the room kind of individual. Even the vast majority of posts I put up everywhere are based on either this or something I feel passionately about. 

I’ve tried to talk to a few friends of mine about this. The few that I have just tell me to cheer up and leave it at that. They don’t really want to dig into it either. What does that say about it/me? Tried that recently actually and was basically dismissed in this manner. I wanted to delve into the Steffy, as I put it, and they just wanted to go off somewhere else. So I let it drop and haven’t brought it up with them again. For that matter, one of the “closer” ones in particular said something along the lines of my emotions aren’t logical. Um…. Yeah… they’re emotions… I don’t think logic would have anything to do with emotions. Just saying. 

So why write here about it? 

Well, my husband doesn’t read these posts. I don’t think he even knows I have this little blog thing going to be honest- even though I have told him about it. My physically existent friends don’t read this either-for that matter only one of them even knows about it. And since no one else has listened I figured I could write about it at the very least. Also with no one physically near me being able or willing to read this I’m safe from their judgement as being too emotional, emo, blah blah. But the self-doubts need to be expressed in as much as to allow me to release the feelings if nothing else. It’s these things that seem to be holding me back in my work. I try to draw and as I listen to my classmates I feel left out. I can’t just jump in all the time. It seems awkward to do so when they’re across the room from me. The few times I’ve tried it has been as awkward as I think it would be and so I sit and listen and wish that someone would talk to me and accept me in all my quirky glory. It’s like high school all over again for crying out loud. I’m not teased, but I’m not accepted either. 

And overall I’m just not the hermit that sometimes I pretend to be in order to make people think I’m all right. 

So, sorry for the emotional mess. You don’t have to read this either if you don’t want to. I understand. It’s not a world-shaking important post about politics or anything that would affect other people. It’s just something I had to write for a minute. 

Back to your regularly scheduled joyful lives. 




5 responses »

  1. seems kinda serious to me… or maybe I mean deep?
    does it have anything to do with judgment? (yours? theirs?)
    don’t mean to pry… never mind, if it was just a vent…


    • I have often asked myself the same questions (about the whole judgement thing). Then the follow up question occurs… Is it me doing the judging or being judged? If I’m doing the judging then who am I really judging, them or myself? If they others are doing the judging then what are they basing their judgements on? *shrug* I’m still trying to figure it all out. One would think that at my age this wouldn’t be an issue, but I guess its one of those things that gets revisited over the course of a lifetime.

  2. I don’t really have a lot of true friends either. Mostly I chalk it up to having a family I’m deeply interested in being around but a little of it is I feel I have to be fake. I want to shake most people like a stick and tell them to get over whatever it is that they’re whining about. I don’t because I want to be accepted. And I guess that makes me a bitch but oh well. I think my years as a retail pharmacist ruined my compassion and I know I’m not normal! But I am comfortable in my skin
    Steffy, I wouldn’t put much stress on yourself about this. When people have a lot of “friends” it doesn’t seem as sincere as having one really good one.
    I loved your post. You’ve said what a lot of others (like me) would love to. And you seem to have it going on so don’t doubt. And don’t be concerned! I am really blathering on here! Keep writing and know that I’m out there and stranger than you. That should make you feel a ton better! 🙂

    • I’m not entirely sure you’re stranger than me, lol. There aren’t a lot of people who are. Even if you are, I don’t mind. Strange people just make life interesting. Thanks for the support though. I appreciate it. 🙂

  3. Been a long time since you wrote this, but I wish I’d caught it then, rather than just now.


    You’re missed, hon. Wish you were around to see the kids, or just hang out now and again.

    Don’t ever doubt. Even if we’re not there in your life, you’re here, in our thoughts.

    *hugs again*

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