On a personal note for this one…
Have you ever wondered if you have real friends?
I often do.
Some people I’m friends with seem to only hang out with me because I have something to offer them. A ride, food, or tutoring at school. They don’t call just to say hi, they don’t come over ever unless I have something they want.
The others that I would like to call friend seem to stay at a distance from me. I don’t know why really. Maybe it’s that I have an overbearing demeanor that is outspoken to a fault, or maybe it’s because I’m older by quite a bit than most of them and so put them off that way by being the perceived “adult” amongst them.
Odd, but sometimes I feel closer to the people I talk to online than the ones I talk to in person on a daily basis. Even still, there seems to be something missing from these interactions that causes me concern.
If I examine the emotions that go with this too closely I probably won’t like what I see. Nor will I enjoy it if I look too closely at what the answer really is of why people stay so far away from me all the time.
Now I’m not the kind of person to go all emo on everyone all the time. In fact, normally I’m a fun-loving, laughing, light up the room kind of individual. Even the vast majority of posts I put up everywhere are based on either this or something I feel passionately about.
I’ve tried to talk to a few friends of mine about this. The few that I have just tell me to cheer up and leave it at that. They don’t really want to dig into it either. What does that say about it/me? Tried that recently actually and was basically dismissed in this manner. I wanted to delve into the Steffy, as I put it, and they just wanted to go off somewhere else. So I let it drop and haven’t brought it up with them again. For that matter, one of the “closer” ones in particular said something along the lines of my emotions aren’t logical. Um…. Yeah… they’re emotions… I don’t think logic would have anything to do with emotions. Just saying.
So why write here about it?
Well, my husband doesn’t read these posts. I don’t think he even knows I have this little blog thing going to be honest- even though I have told him about it. My physically existent friends don’t read this either-for that matter only one of them even knows about it. And since no one else has listened I figured I could write about it at the very least. Also with no one physically near me being able or willing to read this I’m safe from their judgement as being too emotional, emo, blah blah. But the self-doubts need to be expressed in as much as to allow me to release the feelings if nothing else. It’s these things that seem to be holding me back in my work. I try to draw and as I listen to my classmates I feel left out. I can’t just jump in all the time. It seems awkward to do so when they’re across the room from me. The few times I’ve tried it has been as awkward as I think it would be and so I sit and listen and wish that someone would talk to me and accept me in all my quirky glory. It’s like high school all over again for crying out loud. I’m not teased, but I’m not accepted either.
And overall I’m just not the hermit that sometimes I pretend to be in order to make people think I’m all right.
So, sorry for the emotional mess. You don’t have to read this either if you don’t want to. I understand. It’s not a world-shaking important post about politics or anything that would affect other people. It’s just something I had to write for a minute.
Back to your regularly scheduled joyful lives.